Yesterday I was at a Halloween party, today I woke up in the dead of winter. Like somehow in my sleep months went by to the tempo of my dreams, dictating time in real time.
I kept getting up and going to the bathroom, taking a drink of water, and going back to sleep, completely comfortable, telling myself at least I did nothing dumb this time. I don’t regret doing anything and I don’t regret not doing anything. Life is like static motion, scrambled on a tv screen, waiting for the perfect picture to appear. I’m still waiting, but I’m fine watching that for now, it’s right outside my window.
In taking symbolism to myself, it seems to remind me of this stretch of time last year, compressed into 24 hours, starting on Halloween and ending walking in the freezing rain months later.
The weather isn’t making me sad, and I’m not bummed by any of it. For some reason it feels like the right thing now. I’m taking meaning to it, and for some strange reason I feel like there is meaning to it.
The smell of the heater, my hand lotion, the weather, and suddenly all these repressed memories come flooding back. But it doesn’t hurt to say a name anymore, and it doesn’t hurt to remember and to talk. It used to hurt, but now all I know is that moment is suspended in time and what happened is what will ever be.
Even though there are these moments of unadulterated fun, we still tend to learn things. Maybe it’s when we most tend to learn things, because we were never even seeking to learn. It came to us as we were living it.
I don’t know yet why some lessons are made or why things happen, but reasons seem to come of one’s own accord.
Some people create their own burdens, weigh themselves down, while putting crowns on their own head. This crown is the weight, the prize, for and from helping someone else. It’s the crown that’s worth it, right? It’s the pride, the feeling of good will, it all goes to your head right? Your crown has grown bigger, heavier. Will ever someone lift it from you, giving you help too? But ah, at this point, doesn’t the crown become the burden? It is also something you must carry, and this weight is the crown and the burden all in one.
I’m not going to compare this year to the last, or any other. Sure it’s strange how years seem to mirror each other in all the most peculiar ways, but that’s what we embrace. That’s the thread that seems to hold everything together even when time stretches things so far apart. All I know is I feel fine now, and that’s all that matters.
